I

I have parts of me that I do not love. Parts that are vindictive and cruel. Parts that can cut like the sharpest of swords. I don’t love that about me. But often I find that I resort to those parts of me to defend myself from the opinions of people that quite frankly don’t rate to have any opinion. People that have long attempted to diminish me and snuff out my light. And though I know the path of righteousness is paved with not utilizing those parts of me, it does not quell the want and desire to access those parts. It does not stop me from wanting to speak up at the injustice and being a force to be reckoned with. I’ve beaten war, the ocean and cancer. I am a powerful force for good, or so I hope. Some might disagree. In fact many will. But I know me. I know what I stand for, but Marcus Aurelius put it better than I could, so I’ll let him say it for me. This is who I strive to be.

“If, at some point in your life, you should come across anything better than justice, prudence, self-control, courage—than a mind satisfied that it has succeeded in enabling you to act rationally, and satisfied to accept what’s beyond its control—if you find anything better than that, embrace it without reservations—it must be an extraordinary thing indeed—and enjoy it to the full.”
- Marcus Aurelius

That is what I strive to be. I know I’ve made my mistakes, I’ve copped dozens of times to stupid and ignorant decisions and actions I’ve taken over my 39 years. But I’ve also found that luckily, I’m strong enough to stand under the consequences of my own actions without placing blame at anyone else’s feet. I’ve weathered the storms, I’ve battled the seas (literally and metaphorically). What is there left for me to do to for my naysayers? Have I not done more than most men have? Have I not seized every ounce of life out of these 39 years that I could? I don’t mean to brag, I just recognize that I’ve busted my ass in order to live a full and abundant life. And my time is not to be wasted trying to convince people who’ve hated me from day one to like me. For 31 years I’ve sat and allowed my want for a relationship with certain people to gloss over the blatant disrespect, cruelty, arrogance, hypocrisy and holier than thou attitudes that have pervasively infected their hearts.

I care. But I also don’t really, anymore. I’m open to things being better, but I hold no hope for those relationships to be restored. Their hearts are hardened and their minds clouded. For all of their learning, they still don’t get that they just don’t get it. I would love to try and teach, as I often quote, a rising tide raises all ships (JFK). When one of us does better, ALL of US do better. But it is not my responsibility and it never has been. So with that. I release this frustration. This disappointment. I no longer have the heart to care for such deliberately evil people. I wish them all the best, just far away from me.